8 DPO Too Early.....yet isn't that pink?!?!?!

We will know for sure within the next 6 days....I have been nauseous, hungry, starving, not starving, dizzy, tired, sensitive to smell, cramping and moody for 7 days now. I have also had huge sore breasts for 7 days. Miracle baby? We shall see!!!!! Couldn't ask for a better father than Michael so here's to following what God has in store for me and Michael and we will go from there!

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I intend to cause no shame to my family but, unfortunately, I went through this. I chose the wrong path for a long time but today marks my two year sobriety. I needed to share it with everyone because if anyone else out there thinks they can't do it, they can. And it is WELL worth it. I have my life back. The only person I can attribute my success to is my Heavenly Father. Without him, I would not have been able to do this. So, happy 2 years and here's to 75 more!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck.....

Why not? Why wouldn't I update the blog that no one reads, one year after I last updated it? Here I am at UCF. I have been through quite a bit in the last year. Reading through this is like a weird, ugly journal of selfishness. Why I called myself a genius or wrote about what new make-up colors I wanted is beyond me..... I don't even really focus on that kind of stuff. What I focus on is my inability to make a decision about what is best for my life. Everyone says if you go to church then things will fall into place but I haven't ever seen that happen so it's hard to believe it's true. I believe the church is true but I don't have any evidence that things "work better" if I go. Probably shouldn't write that here either. Oh well. I don't like hiding. I don't want to hide anymore. This is who I am. I have spent 28 years developing this person, why be ashamed?!

So here's where it's at: I am at UCF, about to start the summer semester. Still don't know how I am going to pay for it but this is like a last shot kind of deal. I was lucky enough to be re-admitted after being kicked out for not attending for over a year. Now I am adding on a Biology major to my English-Literature major and I am also adding on a Dance minor. Financial aid won't like this, the school won't like this and all the advisors are going to tell me not to. But, since when do I listen to anything, any of those people say anyways. This is what I want to do and it took me a long time to figure it out so now I am going to do it. Then there is grad school. They won't like the fact that I have bounced all over the place for 10 years. OH WELL. I am an intelligent, valuable person and I know that I will be shown a way to make it work. There has to be a grad school out there that wants a crazy, eccentric, smart person with oodles of passion, that dances on the side, right?

Speaking of dance, I am in 3 dance shows right now, I am teaching ballet once a week and I am about to start teaching lyrical as well. Pretty exciting! Is this what I want to do? I don't know. I am cranky all the time and depressed all the time. I can't decide if it's because of getting fired from my last job, or what?! That job sucked anyways. I loved the work but I despised the double-crossing, split-personalities, the double-standards and the pettiness. People don't like someone with a voice to come up behind them and question the stupid ways that they do things. Sorry. If I see a better way, I am going to say it because what is the point in this life if we are not all interested CONSTANTLY in improving ourselves.

That's the other thing. Friends. I can't deal with any unmoving people at this point in time. If you are not actively trying to better yourself then don't bother being in my life. I don't want you and I don't need you. I am surrounded by such beautiful amazing people all the time that I wonder why I ever thought I should be around people like the ones at my old work. So stupid. Bad people with no goals and no realistic motivations and no attempts to be real, considerate better people. I always seem to value the opinions of those that matter the least. Silly me. Live and learn. Live and learn.

Also, I have decided that I want 8 kids. 6 boys and two girls. It will happen. Watch and learn. They will be the best kids ever. HA. Yeah right.

This is a rant and a half. Good thing I wrote it down for myself to read in a year. I hope when I read this again that I stuck to my goals and really did something with myself. I learned the discipline I need at my old job so I should be good to go............. Wish me luck!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am apparently really bad at this. I will do better. I promise. Oh right, I have no readers. So- I am here in Utah. I am visiting for my parents farewell. It is really exciting for them that they are going to Japan to do this. I am beyond thrilled that they were able to get the call that they wanted. They are so lucky to get to go and eat sushi all day every day. (That's all you do on a mission, right?) I have not seen any of my friends yet but I will get to see them tonight while I am here. I got to go to Eagle Mountain last night to see my friend Elli who did my hair. She is so kind and so good at her job. The hair is still yellow right now but once I wash it with the purple shampoo then we should be good to go. I am doing really well in life, just need to get caught back up in school. I am majoring in literature and communications right now but I don't know if that is what God intends for me to do so that very well could change, Again. I think that I should go and buy new make-up today because I want a particular color that I don't have yet. Well, now that I have bored my non-readers to tears, I think I will say adieu. Pictures from the trip will be coming.

Hmmmmm. Sleep would be good.

So, I have discovered this inability to sleep when I should. Actually to sleep at all. I get so tired and then I just lay there. I don't like it at all. This isn't even a funny entry. Tony told his mom about our engagement last night. At least I am graduating. Although, I feel bad that my mom has to pay soooooo much for this trip that I insisted upon. Guilty. Totally. Plus, I am getting the shoes I want. Spoiled Brat. They are the raddest shoes ever though. (Yes. I am wearing them with my cap and gown. I will look SOOOOOO cool.)





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TRacy, These are for you:

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Second One

I am wondering if my mom will buy me new clothes for my graduation. Yes, that is how I think. I am also wondering if I could ever really be a Pussycat Doll. The girl that won is a cow, in my opinion, and if she can win then I can...... Right? I am graduating in one week and two days and I think that I am now officially confused. What am I supposed to do now? School? Marriage? Army? Pussycat Dolls? Have kids? Who knows. I sure don't. If you know then please enlighten me. Can I just tell you that I did not go to a single honors stats class for this section and I still got the HIGHEST test grades in the class. What is wrong with that picture? What's funny is that I am barely going to pass the class to boot. I don't belong in a conformed society like school. I suppose that Geniuses never do. HA! (Sense the sarcasm. PLEASE!)

Off I go to look for clothes to ask mom for.

PS- Family arrival so soon I am going to FREAK OUT!!!! (I love the bold key.)