Why not? Why wouldn't I update the blog that no one reads, one year after I last updated it? Here I am at UCF. I have been through quite a bit in the last year. Reading through this is like a weird, ugly journal of selfishness. Why I called myself a genius or wrote about what new make-up colors I wanted is beyond me..... I don't even really focus on that kind of stuff. What I focus on is my inability to make a decision about what is best for my life. Everyone says if you go to church then things will fall into place but I haven't ever seen that happen so it's hard to believe it's true. I believe the church is true but I don't have any evidence that things "work better" if I go. Probably shouldn't write that here either. Oh well. I don't like hiding. I don't want to hide anymore. This is who I am. I have spent 28 years developing this person, why be ashamed?!
So here's where it's at: I am at UCF, about to start the summer semester. Still don't know how I am going to pay for it but this is like a last shot kind of deal. I was lucky enough to be re-admitted after being kicked out for not attending for over a year. Now I am adding on a Biology major to my English-Literature major and I am also adding on a Dance minor. Financial aid won't like this, the school won't like this and all the advisors are going to tell me not to. But, since when do I listen to anything, any of those people say anyways. This is what I want to do and it took me a long time to figure it out so now I am going to do it. Then there is grad school. They won't like the fact that I have bounced all over the place for 10 years. OH WELL. I am an intelligent, valuable person and I know that I will be shown a way to make it work. There has to be a grad school out there that wants a crazy, eccentric, smart person with oodles of passion, that dances on the side, right?
Speaking of dance, I am in 3 dance shows right now, I am teaching ballet once a week and I am about to start teaching lyrical as well. Pretty exciting! Is this what I want to do? I don't know. I am cranky all the time and depressed all the time. I can't decide if it's because of getting fired from my last job, or what?! That job sucked anyways. I loved the work but I despised the double-crossing, split-personalities, the double-standards and the pettiness. People don't like someone with a voice to come up behind them and question the stupid ways that they do things. Sorry. If I see a better way, I am going to say it because what is the point in this life if we are not all interested CONSTANTLY in improving ourselves.
That's the other thing. Friends. I can't deal with any unmoving people at this point in time. If you are not actively trying to better yourself then don't bother being in my life. I don't want you and I don't need you. I am surrounded by such beautiful amazing people all the time that I wonder why I ever thought I should be around people like the ones at my old work. So stupid. Bad people with no goals and no realistic motivations and no attempts to be real, considerate better people. I always seem to value the opinions of those that matter the least. Silly me. Live and learn. Live and learn.
Also, I have decided that I want 8 kids. 6 boys and two girls. It will happen. Watch and learn. They will be the best kids ever. HA. Yeah right.
This is a rant and a half. Good thing I wrote it down for myself to read in a year. I hope when I read this again that I stuck to my goals and really did something with myself. I learned the discipline I need at my old job so I should be good to go............. Wish me luck!
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